If that comment appears harsh, I'd like to apologize to you and the forums.
... Farrier, you have no need to at all. what you said was absolutely right - and sums up my self-inflicted mental and physical predicament well. I just miss my old life. Thanks for the links too!
veg, for a long time I used eat junk, train hard, work hard, drink what I wanted - so its of some comfot to hear that you smoked :] but i still guess you're more sensible than me, as my binging didnt stop / has never really (but has had to now as im having a bad relapse). thank you for your reply too.
its not that i want to drink to excess, i don't - it makes me feel too rotten. but what i do want to do, is say, have 2 or 3 pints, without feeling like im my own worst enemy, without feeling guilt ridden, without feeling trapped. I want to enjoy a drink, but feel like i cant, even a few pints.
thanks to all who replied - it is very much appreciated and the thoughts and insights of people who have felt / done / worried about the same, is invaluable and timeless.