Last week I performed in the play Las Cosas del Querer with Albert Riballo and Rocio Quesada at the Teatreneu of Barcelona, I went to the gym four days, I did two auditions, I was writing and I surrounded myself with my friends.
Life is a gift
Now I appreciate life more than ever. Every minute is an incredible gift, you have to taste it, use it well and be thankful for it, embracing life, your life.
Nobody would say that about two years ago. I was about to be diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, I was about to be told that I had more than 40 injuries in my brain and spine.
They told me that it was very likely that within a year I would not be able to walk. Only those of us who have been diagnosed with this or had a loved one in this situation can understand the anger, impotence and the desire to end it all that invades you when this comes to your life.
A touch of despair
After the first two days of despair at home, I started looking on the internet like a crazy person and every page I found seemed to be talking of death, paralysis and disability as the only likely destination.
I knew there had to be people in the world who had recovered from it. So I added in my search ‘Cure’ and ‘Recovery’ and to my surprise I found the OMS website and others talking positively about people who had recovered, published books, written blogs and so on.
Taking the first steps: diet
I devoured all that came my way. The first thing I did was to make a radical change on my diet. Overnight I became almost vegetarian, with a few servings of fish per week.
We could call it pisci-crudi-vegetarian (fishy-raw-vegetarian). I eliminated from my diet pre-cooked or pre-packaged products and those containing any E's, dyes, preservatives, etc.
I realized I could no longer buy almost anything in traditional supermarkets, so I started to go to organic shops and proximity markets. Roughly a month after I started eating this way, I began to feel much better.
Second step: meditation
Next came meditation. Years ago I was very interested in the subject and had already practised it, but it is quite difficult to be consistent, and much more in this society in which to be multitasking is better rewarded.
Meditation teaches us to focus only on one thing, whether it’s your breath, the flame of a candle, a mantra... and every time a thought appears in your mind you return calmly to focus on what you were focusing before. The results are almost magical, you feel lighter, with more focus, you feel in a state of unparalleled relaxation.
Cooling the flames of anger
But I realized that I was still very angry As I had being for years at everything, with my clients, with my friends, with my family, but especially with me.
Each time I felt rage and anger, and that was very often, I noticed I would get dizzy or a part of my body would start trembling. I had eight years working on something that I did not like. Although the job was 'good' – great salary, colleagues, bosses and an acceptable workload – it was not what I wanted to do in life.
There are people for whom this is not so important, they can work their hours and go home, but for me it was important. I remember when I was only a month in that job, one day I began to mourn alone at home and I thought: "yes, it is okay, but this is it? Is that all?"
And I kept holding it for eight years, waiting for something to change by magic, when I knew from the first minute that it was not what I wanted to do. I'm an actor, I need to create, branch out, I need to show what I have inside, I need challenges.
But that is not safe, it is not comfortable and I preferred to remain safe than to dive into the unknown. But my body and mind would not put up with it.
Although I was trying hard to lie to myself, I never succeeded at it and all that did was filled me up with rage. In addition to all of that, a year before, I ended a seven-year relationship. I was not able to overcome it.
I was unable to let it go and move on. I said to myself – one more time – that everything was fine and that I had to move forward, but I was lying again.
I had not accepted it, I had more and more anger growing inside me, because I was not able to make it work, because I could not keep the one I loved.
It took me a year of comings and goings, of turning overs in my head, of counting my doubts over and over again to my friends, but eventually I did it.
I asked for a leave of absence to devote myself to what I really wanted to do – that was not easy. The first months I woke up early at 6am everyday thinking that I had to go to the office and I felt guilty for not being a useful person, for not being ‘productive’.
I worried for not knowing if the numbers would come out okay, until I realized somehow that I had more than enough to eat and to live, that you do not need that much anyway.
I realized that if I was confident and that if I apply myself to it things would go well, sometimes even better than I thought. I have learned that if we put our energy in what we really like, if we are honest with ourselves there is something that makes it work.
And best of all, I realized that for a long time there were no symptoms. When I am going to my check-ups, doctors tell me they do not understand anything.
I explain everything I've done, step by step, chapter and verse. They say that having a good diet and being relaxed is always good for everyone. But I tell them that not only “good" but it has been instrumental in my recovery.
I also tell them to offer me as a guinea-pig to study me. For the moment my offer has not been accepted. Of course, I am not a doctor and do not have all the answers – nor do I pretend to – I have my story and my answers.
Facing the future
And no one can deny that all the changes I've made in my life, with or without the diagnosis, it was necessary to restore peace and balance within me.
And it is clear to me that in applying each of these changes I recovered, I know it, and I know everyone around me knows it.
Obviously, all those who are undergoing medical treatment should continue to do so, but all the settings I have made in my life are completely safe, free and compatible with any medicine. You must take full responsibility for your life and actions.
There is one thing we all have and which generally pay no attention to, it is called intuition. Intuition tells us where we are doing well and where we are going wrong and we do not need to question it much, we just know.
As soon as I started to pay attention and follow the clues that my intuition would give me every day, my life improved, it changed completely and I recovered.
I want to thank Damaso the best possible friend I could ever wish for, the 'Castores', my Kabbalah People, my friends and my family. I love you forever.